I don´t know what this post is going to be about. I just know I need to write this down and make it public. Put is out there and listen to this voice in my head that is talking too much. This voice in my head that is driving me crazy. The voice that tells me what is right and what is wrong.
I don´t even knon if i know the difference. There are moments in which I just want to be me, free without caring a bout the rules, but that is completly another topic, about which I might or might not write.
Not that I don´t get to be myself. I think I do. I think I get to do many priviledged stuff. I have gotten many blessings in my life, which are wonderful, but the funny thing is (and many may feel this way) those things don´t make us happy. Of course I can go with the cliché about “It is all about the experience not about the material things” which is true, but I want to go deeper. Change the subject a little bit…
More than what we receive from the outside, there is always that little voice in the inside that determines whether you are having a good time or not. No matter how good the whether is, there is inner sensations that will tell you whether you are in pain or not. No matter how many good quality friends or partners you may have, there is allways a little voice inside saying whether you are good enough or not.
Now, why should we care about this little voice? Well that little voice is deciding for you. That little voice is telling you how to approach your daily life. That little voice can run or ruin your life. So the question should be: how do we control or get the best of this little voice?
Truth be told I am still figuring it out and I have noticed though, that I have power over it more often than no. Something tells me that if we directed it with the heart and start refracing our stories we can get better experiences. Now I know this is possible for a fact, because I´ve experienced the most amazing moments ever, just by reframing the story. Moments I never thought I was going to live.
I am now in city called Tampa and it is located in Florida. I living a dream an experience I decided I wanted to live a couple of months ago ( literally two). So for the most part I feel confident and powerful about what I do and how I do it, because I know my inner power can do anything and it´s not becuase I believe I am better than anyone, but just because I know I am working this out with everyone else too. Here is the secret; we are all connected! The moment I allowed myself to receive helo everything went better.
We are all connected to this crazy thing that we call love and love really makes it all possible.
Now you must be thinking, “you crazy bitch, easy to say, because you have it all!” ( or an equivalent to that). Point is, no I don´t have it all, or maybe I do… let´s define what having all means… Anyways… my point is that as good as it can get, I don´t allways feel well. I started this post feeling sad and in pain, now at the end of this I am feeling better, but I am in pain… more than I would like to admit.
I have a lot of inner and bodily pains. I have selfdoubts most of the time and a lot of frustrations, specially for things that I love the most. My main struggle that I am trying to express through this post is how vulnerable I really am. I want to be strong and feel strong. I want to be able to create and develop environments for others to grow, but I feel stuck with my own demons, so I doubt my legitimacy of wanting to helo if I am not perfectly fine. I specially feel I have issues with my health. It seems to me that since a couple of years ago, I have not been able to put myself together and I have taken all the wrong paths. Now I think I am approaching the best route, with the help of this big connection I am talking you about. Nevertheless the situation of doubting myself self seems to never stop nor dissapear.
I guess in the end I will feel whole as soon as I realize and accept that the voice of magic, love and miracles making all amazing things possible; and the voice of selfdoubt, selfhate, pain and disgrace, can actually live together inside me. For this body was created to hold both voices.
I am on the journey of accepting the real imperfect me. I have demons and I have angels. I have shadow and I have light. I have weaknesses and I have strenghts. I am human and that is ok.