This past Monday I felt like trash. I really did not want to do anything. My body was hurting and my mind was overloaded with crazy thoughts. I was down. The chief feeling was of “unworthiness”. I questioned everything and complained about everything.
Specially, as a dancer you are really tough on yourself for not being flexible enough, strong enough, intelligent enough or ‘why didn’t I star before?! ‘ kind of questions. Should I practice this, but then also this other choreography. Should I focus on ballet? But I am not good enough, so then why not focus on contemporary or jazz… Then again the same answer…. It becomes a draining conversation… And the worst part is it is in your head… So I felt trapped, I really wished I could run away from that conversation.
Yet I can’t.
Therefore the only option is to look for solutions or look for ways to dissolve the problem. I wrote for some time, cried, laughed and then talk to a therapist that has helped me a lot (yes I go to a therapist).
This was a huge reliever to me. I noticed I went through a process of awareness, presence and then resolution. I put all what was troubling me out there through writing, then I felt this huge bomb of emotions through laughter and tears and then I talked about it with someone who helped me pin point some solutions or ways to see that this wasn’t a huge deal and that it is ok to just crash some times.
Monday was a tough day. A day with a lot of thinking and reviewing, but it was worth it, because today I feel so much better. I am still figuring out a lot of the things that I discovered, because this Monday put on the table many topics I was avoiding and now they are more obvious than ever. So I have a lot of work to do. This episode, instead of becoming an excuse for depression, became an opportunity for growth.
I am dealing with some health problems, some carrier insecurities and wondering where am I heading. These are three big questions, that I now know and want to answer.
Why am I talking about this?
Well I’ve discovered that my life is not perfect. I have a lot of struggles, weaknesses, doubts and inner battles, which, as time passes by, it is not worth it to keep them inside… That is the reason I am taking them out. May be that will set me free sooner than later.